Tonight I was speaking with a friend about how we have to keep relearning, keep remembering, the lessons and the mottos of life. For me, right now, it’s one of bravery. Apparently I come across to most of my friends as a very bold person, which in some respects I would agree. However, there are times that I would rather climb up into a loft, curl into the corner of a window seat, or just crawl back under the covers. For someone who likes people, a lot, in fact nearly as much as I like silence, I am also rather shy. But this goes beyond a matter of social interactions; I am talking about courage. Which means I am also talking about fear.
Back in February I turned in my application to transfer to the Annapolis campus of St. John’s College, was approved, but haven’t been able to commit. Perhaps it’s because I am too afraid of having a dream come true. I believe there is a loss of a sense of identity with the completion of a project, or the realization of a dream. I have wanted it so long, fought for it so hard, what’s a girl gonna do when that’s done? [Answer: slay bigger dragons] Or, perhaps it’s because there is so much about Santa Fe that I love, or have learned to enjoy [Chiefly, green chili and sunshine]. Whatever it is that is holding me back, it can’t hold me back if I don’t let it. For once, I can actually do it. Four years later I could actually attend the campus I want to, of the school of my dreams. Now don’t get me wrong, I do love Santa Fe, and wouldn’t give up having lived here. I think I am just ready for what’s next.
Except that I am not ready. I like to think that I am not a scardey cat, or a worrywart, but then maybe I am. However, if you are going to do something brave you have to be brave about doing it. I have moved 5 times in the past 4 years, and this fall will make 6! It would be easier to just stay put, but easy is hardly ever what we actually want.
And so, I AM moving to Annapolis. Not think I am, not might be, not maybe. Am. [Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, as they say…] So, I am going to plan. I am going to secure my loan. I am going to find housing. I am going to choose a date to leave on my cross country adventure.
A friend just reminded me that planning the ending doesn’t reduce the enjoyment of the summer. And I realized, not only will making plans for the end not reduce the enjoyment, it will actually increase it since I won’t have to worry about the uncertainty of it all.
Go, live life boldly.